Emotional Intelligence: Building the Skill of Social Awareness
By Tammy Kapeller
The Stepping Stone, May 2023
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is your ability to understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.[1] EQ is an important skill, and unlike IQ and personality, EQ is flexible and can be modified or improved.
This is the third in a four-part series dedicated to strategies for improving EQ, based on the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 written by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. In previous issues of The Stepping Stone, I discussed the skills of self-awareness and self-management. In this article, I will share a few more of the book’s strategies and provide examples and personal insights to illustrate how to develop the third skill of social awareness in personal, social, and business situations.
Social Awareness
Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them, including what they are thinking and feeling.[2] Social awareness happens while you are interacting with other people. By listening and observing, you can put yourself in their shoes and better understand their perspective.
Bradberry and Greaves list 17 strategies to build social awareness skills. I will explore three of them:
- Clear away the clutter,
- Go on a 15-minute tour, and
- Seek the whole picture.
Strategy 1: Clear Away the Clutter
Clutter can exist in our mind just as it does in our home. Many of us experience an inner voice that we hear throughout the day. This inner voice helps us interpret conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs and biases. Often, it is difficult to turn off the inner voice to actively listen to others when they are talking.
When purchasing a new car, how often does your mind wander ahead to the sales process or think about driving away as the salesperson is explaining every facet of the car and how to use every component? We often miss important information because we are not focused on the conversation and later end up having to reference car manuals and YouTube videos.
In conversations, we may tend to react prematurely, interrupt, or think about our own response to what is being said. We cannot listen to someone else fully when we are listening to ourselves. Sometimes, I find it difficult to wait for others to finish talking because I want to add to their idea or share mine. Because I am focused on what I want to say, I am not fully respecting their time to speak.
I am working on being more patient, focusing on the speaker and really listening to what is being said. It helps to make eye contact, lean in, and ask questions to clarify someone else’s ideas before sharing our own. Blocking our personal thoughts and reactions can help us focus and listen more attentively.
Try to approach every interaction as an opportunity to learn something and come to the conversation believing they have good ideas, thoughts and opinions that are equal to or better than your own. This mindset will make you curious to hear and understand what others have to say.
Stop your inner voice when you hear it interrupting someone else. Practice mindfulness by refocusing your attention to be present. Observe what is happening around you, listen to what is being said, and participate fully in the experience.
Strategy 2: Go on a 15-Minute Tour
Noticing others is important to our social awareness journey. Take time to slow down and see the people around you. What are they doing? How are they behaving? Where do you see them and when?
Bradberry and Greaves suggest spending 15 minutes, twice a week at different times, to observe things you’ve never noticed before. What do you hear, see or perceive? Things to notice include workspaces, moods, energy, noise level, and activities:
- Who are the people you see out and about versus those who stick closely to their desks?
- Are people talking to each other or is it quiet?
- What emotions are you feeling, and can you tell what others are feeling?
We had a senior leader at my company who walked the aisles and spent time with people in their cubicles and offices. He asked about projects the employees were working on along with what was happening in their personal lives. He also scheduled monthly lunches to get face time with everyone in the department over the course of each year. This leader was admired and respected by every single employee, because they felt heard and cared for. He retired more than 15 years ago, but he is still remembered fondly.
It may seem simple to walk around the office, but it is not easy to find time when we are rushing from one meeting or zoom call to another. Taking the time to meet with co-workers, both those you work closely with—and especially those you do not—will help build trust and strong relationships. You will also learn what is going on with people, what concerns they have and what great ideas are being discussed.
In our current hybrid world, it is more difficult to go on a physical tour. Try scheduling short calls to catch up or send an instant message to check in with someone. You can also create in-person or virtual opportunities to bring people together like lunches, happy hours or events.
Strategy 3: Seek the Whole Picture
Looking outward and seeking feedback is critical to social awareness. Understanding how others view us may confirm or contradict how we view ourselves or how we want to be perceived. If you care about showing your authentic self, it is very important to be vulnerable enough to receive feedback from others, both those who like you and those who may be more critical.
In addition to your self-assessment, a 360-feedback survey includes responses to desired questions from your peers, boss, leaders, and direct reports. This type of survey helps us understand our strengths and weaknesses from a variety of perspectives. Perceptions that others hold about you really do matter. If your actions or emotions tell someone you are one way, but it is inaccurate, then it is important to understand so that you can explain or change your behavior.
My former company used 360-feedback surveys as part of an organizational effort to encourage purposeful leadership. Many taking the survey were surprised when we received our results. In fact, many of us were disappointed and discouraged, since our personal assessments did not always match closely with what our coworkers perceived.
My biggest surprise was the category of “Caring Connection” which included the dimensions of connecting deeply with others, compassion, and forming warm and caring relationships. I considered myself a caring person because I truly valued and appreciated my company and coworkers. In fact, I had many close friendships at work. Unfortunately, those taking the survey did not perceive me to be as caring as I thought I was. This was an area I wanted to improve on.
I have been working on changing my behavior through active listening, understanding rather than judging, being more curious about what others are doing or feeling, checking in with people to see how they are doing, writing notes to people I haven’t seen for a while, apologizing more, and expressing gratitude. I have noticed that people are now sharing more of their thoughts and concerns with me, possibly because they sense that I am really listening to them. It is also fun to see people reach their own solutions to problems rather than struggle to take advice that doesn’t fully resonate with them.
Gaining insight into your personal skills, emotions, and behaviors, along with studying what they mean, will put you more in tune with others so you can treat them the way you would like to be treated. Along with becoming a better coworker and friend, observing and understanding what is going on with other people can build stronger teams who are willing to help each other out to reach higher goals.
Summary
There are many opportunities to practice the skill of social awareness. Here’s one—when you’re watching a movie, practice active listening and observe what the actors are doing and saying. Try to understand the context of the scene:
- What words are being used?
- What is the tone of the conversation?
- What is the speed and volume of the words being spoken?
- What emotions are you picking up on from things that are not being spoken?
You can also try people-watching to pick up on moods and interactions. What do you think they’re feeling or thinking as they go about their activities?
After practicing the skill of social awareness, you will be better able to understand the emotions and feelings of others, based on their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. This skill will help you clarify disagreements, resolve conflicts, and develop meaningful relationships, both personally and professionally.
Statements of fact and opinions expressed herein are those of the individual authors and are not necessarily those of the Society of Actuaries, the editors, or the respective authors’ employers.
Tammy Kapeller, ACC, FSA, MBA, is a leadership coach at Candid Consulting, LLC in Overland Park, Kansas. She can be reached at Tammy@CandidConsultingLLC.com or via LinkedIn.