Emotional Intelligence: Building the Skill of Relationship Management
By Tammy Kapeller
The Stepping Stone, July 2023
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is your ability to understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.[1] EQ is an important skill, and unlike IQ and personality, EQ is flexible and can be modified or improved.
This is the last article in a four-part series dedicated to strategies for improving EQ, based on the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 written by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. In previous issues of The Stepping Stone, I discussed the skills of self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. In this article, I will share more of the book’s strategies and provide examples and personal insights to illustrate how to develop the fourth skill of relationship management.
Relationship Management
Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully.[2]
Given enough time and quality exchanges, we can form a relationship with any person we encounter. We should strive to develop positive relationships with people we like, and even with those we don’t like as much. Once established, both parties will understand each other better and benefit from the connection.
Relationships can be challenging, especially at work or under stress. Skillfully managing them will help you initiate direct and productive conversations to alleviate misunderstandings, solve conflicts and achieve desired goals.
Bradberry and Greaves list 17 strategies to build relationship management skills. I will explore three of them:
- Build trust,
- Explain your decisions, don’t just make them, and
- Make your feedback direct and constructive.
Strategy 1: Build Trust
Trust is built through strong communication. It begins by being open, vulnerable, and willing to share and listen equally. Consistency in words, actions and behaviors is key to building trust. Clearly state your intentions, match your actions to your words, say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Reliability is another key factor for building trust. Meet deadlines, follow through on promises, and admit mistakes. Caring about the other person in the relationship and what they have to say is equally important.
Sometimes we may find it difficult to trust the people in our lives, especially at work. I was once part of a small management group made up of people from different areas of the company. At one of our team-building meetings, we were asked if we trusted each other. I think everyone wanted to say yes, but we still needed time to build that trust as a team.
At one point, we were in the process of reorganizing the company, and roles within the management team were also transitioning. As the reorganization conversation developed, things got a little heated over headcount shifts and responsibilities between leaders. We had an open discussion about vision and goals, what each team member needed to be successful, asked questions to clarify where resources and staff would settle, and discussed why that was the best approach.
Before moving forward, we had to trust that each person was speaking honestly and thinking of the company, team, and staff rather than their own promotion or success. How consistent was each of these people in the past in supporting the team ahead of their own personal gain? Was everyone being open and vulnerable with each other? Could we rely on the information provided and believe that everyone would follow through with what was decided?
In the end, because we had spent a lot of time working and socializing together, we knew each other well. Because we trusted that each of us had the organization’s best interests in mind, we were able to collectively build a new way of working together across the organization.
Trust takes time to develop, and it is not easy to achieve. Unfortunately, trust can be lost quickly if you fail to walk the talk.
Strategy 2: Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them
Everyone wants to be treated with respect. We want to be included in decisions when possible or understand why certain decisions were made when we can’t be. Transparency is one of the key leadership traits that employees value. As leaders, we can’t always share everything, but we can let employees ask questions, listen to their concerns, and collaborate with them. Employees need to feel safe coming to leaders and know they are being as open and honest as possible.
Having a good decision-making framework builds trust and buy-in from employees. They learn to trust the process and appreciate that not all decisions will benefit all people. Employees want to learn about and comprehend the problem to be solved, share their knowledge and experience, and understand the reasons why a certain decision was made. Good leaders ask and listen to others’ ideas first, discuss alternative solutions and outcomes, and explain why one solution was chosen over another.
Being honest and transparent when decisions fail is very important. Discussing what went wrong and how to avoid similar mistakes in the future will help your team better comprehend an outcome, recognize when future circumstances warrant a different approach, and encourage collaboration to try new ideas. It is equally important to discuss successful decisions. Your team will feel good to be part of something that created a positive result for the organization, and when they understand the factors of success, it will reinforce their confidence to act constructively when faced with new opportunities.
Because big projects involve many people, we sometimes forget to include everyone in the decision-making process, and it can backfire. During a systems transformation project I helped lead, decisions needed to be made on a regular basis, both big and small. As the project began, subject matter experts were brought together with leaders to provide insight on systems capabilities, constraints, workarounds, and ideas for conversion. These meetings were productive and helped build comradery.
Unfortunately, as the project progressed, many of these people were not involved in subsequent decisions, nor did they understand why certain decisions were made. Although we did listen to concerns and took them into account, it was not apparent to everyone because those decisions were not explained. At every stage, we should have shared how their input was considered, why a certain path was chosen and why alternatives were not. By the end of the project, many of the staff were disillusioned with the result and instead of celebrating the success of a major systems conversion, they focused on what didn’t work. Sharing decisions and setting practical expectations would have made everyone feel better about the project and outcome. It would also have set us up for a better experience during the next phase of system enhancements.
To succeed at becoming more transparent with decisions, the book’s authors suggest looking ahead to understand which decisions will be coming up in the next few months and work backward to see who will be impacted. Plan when and where to meet with each individual or group and be prepared to discuss why and how each of the decisions was made.
Strategy 3: Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive
Feedback is helpful information given to someone to say what can be done to improve performance or behavior, focusing on those that meet business or personal goals and can be changed. It should be clearly stated, specific, and based on what action or behavior is observed. Although specific details should be described, no judgement should be made, only observation and impact. Use your social awareness skills to understand how feedback should be delivered to different individuals.
Feedback is a gift, and it is important that the person giving it wants to be helpful, and the person receiving it is open to hearing it. The giver of feedback should create a safe environment by having good intentions, asking permission to share, and keeping the discussion confidential. Be positive, specific, timely, and sincere. Make sure the feedback is meaningful and actionable.
The receiver of feedback should listen fully without interrupting and ask questions for clarity without being defensive. Take time to digest the information and see what resonates with you. Make an action plan to change and practice new behaviors. If you are successful, you will learn and grow from the feedback you receive. Be sure to thank others for their gift of feedback.
Feedback often is combined with tough conversations. Early in my management career I worked with an individual who was very pleasant and appeared to be hard working. Unfortunately, they made a lot of mistakes in their work and had to redo a lot of it. Because we were working with external clients, we had a tight timeframe and a low threshold for errors. One day I decided to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them to share my observations and understand their perspective.
I was lucky, because this person was very open to discussing the issues with me and agreed that although the work was being completed, it was not being thoroughly reviewed for accuracy. During the conversation, I asked this person what type of work they really enjoyed. It was a great exchange, and it ended amicably. In the end, this person decided they did not want to be an actuary and left the company to pursue other work. Although it’s never fun losing someone on your staff, I sincerely believe they went on to do work that they enjoyed. By having a direct conversation and providing feedback in a positive way, we were able to avoid misunderstanding, resentment, performance improvement plans and possible dismissal.
Summary
Relationships are unique and part of every facet of our lives, both personal and professional. Good relationships are centered on sharing common goals and providing value to each other. They are built on trust, respect, honesty, communication, and commitment. Having a culture of strong relationships in the workplace will improve employee loyalty, increase motivation, reduce conflicts, instill trust and confidence, enhance work-life balance, and create better employee engagement. Overall, having good relationships will lower stress and bring you satisfaction at home and at work.
Statements of fact and opinions expressed herein are those of the individual authors and are not necessarily those of the Society of Actuaries, the editors, or the respective authors’ employers.
Tammy Kapeller, ACC, FSA, MBA, is a Leadership Coach at Candid Consulting, LLC in Overland Park, Kansas. She can be reached at Tammy@CandidConsultingLLC.com or via LinkedIn.