Emotional Intelligence: Building the Skill of Self-Management
By Tammy Kapeller
The Stepping Stone, March 2023
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is your ability to understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.[1] EQ is an important skill, and unlike IQ and personality, EQ is flexible and can be modified or improved.
This is the second in a four-part series dedicated to strategies for improving EQ, based on the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 written by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. In the January issue of The Stepping Stone, I discussed the skill of self-awareness. In this article, I will choose a few more of the book’s strategies and share examples and personal insights to illustrate how to develop the second skill of self-management.
Self-management
Self-management is your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively.[2] When you understand what you are feeling, you can effectively choose how to react. Knowing your individual tendencies can help you prepare for future events by consciously deciding to change or adjust your behavior when certain situations occur.
Bradberry and Greaves list 17 strategies to build self-management skills. I will explore three of them:
- Make your goals public,
- Take control of your self-talk, and
- Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you encounter.
I will share a few examples to highlight these strategies and describe possible ways to grow in self-management in personal, social, and business situations.
Strategy 1: Make Your Goals Public
A good way to create accountability for your goals is to share them with someone you trust. When we keep our goals to ourselves, it is easier to let them slide, but if someone else knows the specific actions we were going to take, we feel a deeper obligation to completing them within our desired timeframe.
I am an impatient driver, and I often find myself getting angry at others when they drive improperly or too slowly. I cannot control what they do, so I want to change how I react when my emotions cause me to become frustrated. During a personal coaching activity, I shared with my coach that I would start keeping a log of the number of times I felt angry or frustrated in the car, along with my reactions— shouting at a driver who can’t hear me or singing louder to the song on the radio. Sharing this bad habit with my coach made me want to change my behavior even more because it was embarrassing. I cannot say that I have completely changed, but having the log reinforces the actions I choose to take when my emotions get the better of me, and I want to be able to tell others that I have made improvements.
Having someone at work to observe and provide feedback on your behavior can be very helpful. Maybe you interrupt others when they are talking, use unnecessary filler words while giving presentations, or your non-verbal expressions are obvious to others in a negative way. Ask a co-worker to observe you in different situations and record how often you perform an unwanted action. Ask them to provide details regarding when the behavior took place and what happened before and after. Becoming aware of your negative actions and understanding what may be triggering them will help you prepare for a different response.
- Practice active listening and patience.
- Wait for others to finish their thoughts, even when you have a great idea.
- Practice presentations in advance and try to pause rather than use filler words.
- Become aware of your non-verbal actions and try to remain still, calm, and discreet.
Sharing your goals out loud with another person will reinforce them, make you more aware as emotions develop, and keep you accountable for making desired changes.
Strategy 2: Take Control of Your Self-talk
According to Bradberry and Greaves, the average person has about 50,000 thoughts per day.[3] Most of the time our thoughts are internal, but sometimes we talk to ourselves out loud as well. It is easy to let negative thoughts overpower us, so it is important to listen to our self-talk and make changes if we find ourselves being destructive or harmful.
Athletes can be very hard on themselves, especially when they make a mistake or lose a competition. Many of us have experienced times when someone calls themselves an idiot or loser when things don’t turn out in their favor. This type of self-talk is not constructive and can influence your ability to succeed. If you call yourself a loser or see yourself losing, you will be much more likely to achieve that outcome. Instead, tell yourself you can do better, think about what changes you can make to be more successful, and recognize that the competition is worthy of the win. Enjoy the activity and celebrate the things you did well.
At work, it is easy to let self-talk sabotage your career growth. When given promotional opportunities, many people second guess themselves by thinking they’re not good enough, smart enough or experienced enough. Listening to this negative self-talk and thinking about everything that can go wrong can lead to fear of failure and keep you from taking chances that lead to rewarding career advancements. Instead, recognize that you have been chosen for advancement, so others have confidence in your abilities. Know that it takes time to become proficient at any job, so give yourself time to gain experience and become more skilled. Focus on your strengths and work to improve any limitations. Visualize the future and imagine what it looks and feels like to be successful in the new role, and then work hard to get there.
Managing your self-talk to be more positive will help you let go of feelings of inferiority, reduce stress, and allow you to visualize (and more likely achieve) your best self.
Strategy 3: Learn a Valuable Lesson From Everyone You Encounter
There are so many role models in our lives—good and bad. Take time to observe and appreciate how those around you behave, and actively choose to model the behaviors you would like to emulate.
When you visit a supermarket, think about all the people you encounter. There are those rushing about, intent on their personal mission and not necessarily noticing anyone around them. There are other people who open the door for you, smile, say hello and possibly give up their place in line to someone with fewer items. Which of these people are you? Who do you want to be? Sometimes, we’re in a hurry and we may look more like the first example, but if we try to model the behavior in the second example, we may leave the store with a smile on our face and the energy to take on our next task.
During a heated meeting, look around the room to see how others are behaving. Who is shouting? Who is trying to hide by avoiding eye contact? Who is actively listening and responding with knowledge and wisdom? Assuming most people prefer to act calmly and rationally, observe how good role models communicate and how they show patience, understanding, empathy and directness. Also observe the behaviors of bad role models and try to avoid angry outbursts, defensiveness, jealousy and talking behind peoples’ backs. Think about what each person is feeling and why they may react a specific way. When you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can better understand the emotions behind the behavior. When you have a similar situation, think back to what you recognized and make a choice to react positively.
We learn something from others every day, so at the end of the day, try journaling what you have learned. If you noticed undesirable behavior in someone else, think about times you’ve acted that way, and make a conscious note to change. If someone behaved in a way that made you smile or feel proud, think about ways to incorporate that behavior in your own life.
Summary
In addition to these self-management strategies, you may want to try simple breathing exercises, meditation, or counting to ten when you feel emotions taking over. Getting adequate sleep and exercise can also prepare your mind and body to better process feelings, leading to positive and intentional behaviors.
After practicing the skill of self-management, you will be better able to react quickly and confidently when a difficult situation occurs. By taking control of your emotions, you have a better chance of behaving purposefully, rationally and effectively, setting you up to achieve all your goals.
Statements of fact and opinions expressed herein are those of the individual authors and are not necessarily those of the Society of Actuaries, the editors, or the respective authors’ employers.
Tammy Kapeller, ACC, FSA, MBA, is leadership coach at Candid Consulting, LLC in Overland Park, Kansas. She can be reached at Tammy@CandidConsultingLLC.com. LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tammy-kapeller-candidconsultingllc/.